RANDOM THOUGHTS - Leave it to the Kids: Parenting the Parents

By Ali Bohn

“Come here, it can’t be that hard. Give me a try!”

The famous last words, before it all literally comes crashing down.

Many of us have been in the situation. Your kids have a new toy or game to play, and they are a little apprehensive. As your patience slowly reaches its peak as you wait for them to try it out, you decide that the only way to move things along is by showing them how it’s done. But you neglect to think of a couple of minor details. A) you are at least 30 years older than the child the toy was meant for and therefore a little more, how shall we say, worn? B) Considering it said on the box that the object had a weight limit of a little more than a sack of potatoes you should probably steer clear of it. And C) Sure, you have had a go on one of these before but that was so long ago that your body does not quite move in the same way anymore AND you don’t bounce back up like kids seem to do.

But bugger it, let’s give it a crack!

I have heard so many of these stories and somewhere in here have been the main star in one or two of them but see if you can identify with any of them.

Scenario 1

Skatepark Smart Alec

At just over six feet tall, this father of two boys under six could be quite intimidating for any of the kids who might see him approaching the bowl. Attentive and encouraging, the dad was happy to sit on the bench and watch his two-foot-tall children practise their balance and co-ordination on their brand-new scooters from the toy shop. Smiling and waving, the dad thought his boys were quite cute in their new shiny helmets and knee and elbow pads. But the intermittent shouts of ‘look at me, Dad’ began to wear thin after half an hour, considering the kids were merely scooting along the path that went around the skatepark. “Why don’t you try going over the jumps or into the bowl,” the dad suggested, quietly wishing they would tire of the adventure so he could go and grab a coffee (he was extremely hung over after all). But the kids had not yet built up enough confidence and so the dad decided to show them how he used to do it. Now, given that the handlebars of the scooter reached just between his knees and thighs, for the dad to build momentum he had to almost hunch over the bars completely to be able to hold on. Just get that picture in your head for a moment… With no safety gear whatsoever, a small crowd of young teenage boys had begun to gather as the dad lifted one foot onto the board and pushed off with the other. Apparently when weight is applied to a scooter, speed is picked up rather quickly and so as the dad took off, he was immediately ‘caning it’. Down he went, over the first jump feeling darned proud of himself. A quick wave to his kids who were watching, and over the next jump and down into the bowl… on his head. Panicked, the small crowd ran over to his aid. A quivering lip that was on the verge of turning into full blown tears was quickly shrugged off as the dad stood immediately and brushed himself off and limped back to the car. “We thought you were going to do a backflip!” one of the onlookers shouted, “Because you were going so fast!” The scooters were swiftly put into the car and the dad took his embarrassed children home.

Scenario 2 

Formula ‘NONE’ Go-Carting

This is the story of a parent who was quite handy in the shed and decided to build something with a little more get up and go than the basic billie-cart for his kids to play in. With a few more materials than a couple of planks of wood, piece of rope and old trolley wheels from the tip, this father of two young boys (not to be confused with the father above) decided to build the kind of toy that the neighbourhood kids would be envious of. With a fair bit of hydration required on such a hot day, it was time for a test run, but as this dad had not built the go-cart for adults, there was no way he would be able to be the test driver. So, the eldest kid in the neighbourhood was chosen, much to his delight, and as soon as the engine started, he began to freak out. “You’ll be right,” the dad assured him, and just to make the kid feel that bit safer, he stood on the back of the go-cart wearing nothing more than Stubbies shorts and a pair of poorly made rubber thongs. The dad reached over and pushed the kid’s foot down hard on the accelerator and off they went like a bull at a gate! Instinct may tell you to manoeuvre the go-cart with the steering wheel but as the young kid was in a minor state of panic, all he could do was scream and cover his eyes. The go-cart became air born and flipped both the kid and the ‘engineer’ out of the cart and onto the lawn. The kid was completely unharmed but as the dad had landed flat on his back, the next vehicle he found himself in was the back of an ambulance with a few broken ribs! 

Scenario 3

Trampolining Tragic

The trampoline. Such a fun, ingenious invention that is probably the reason why the emergency department is kept in business. But apparently the trampoline is much safer for adults? Well, that is according to a local parent I spoke to recently, or so he thought. In a lovely moment of father-daughter bonding, they went out into the backyard and got on the trampoline. They were having such a great time, and as safety always comes first in this dad’s household, he was being mindful not to double bounce his daughter. Taking it in turns to bounce on the mat, he was building great momentum, getting higher and higher and more confident. His daughter giggled at him and, eager to impress her, he leapt in the air doing various poses to encourage the laughter. However, his increased confidence caused him to go a little off balance and instead of bouncing on the mat, he bounced on the springs and with great dignity he, quite by accident, performed a pirouette into the air and landed completely upright on the ground, within inches of the shovel that was vertically embedded into the dirt. The result was a rolled ankle and bad case of embarrassment. 

Is anyone else seeing a pattern here? Yes, the ‘parent’ in all these cases so far seems to be the father behaving badly! I ponder this for a moment and my male co-workers tell me that in their experience, the father is always the one who likes to be the clown. “Anything for a giggle or to get the kids involved,” they say.

But just when I thought the article was going to be all about dads behaving badly, I had a mum story come across my desk.

Scenario 4

BMX Bandit

A new BMX bike was just what this eight-year-old boy had wished for this Christmas, and it was hard to see who was more excited about the gift, him or his mother. He was happy to take the bike for a ride up and down the driveway, but he was a little cautious to attempt much else as the seat seemed a bit too high. Riding the bike back over to his parents where his father stood with a shifter ready to adjust the seat, the boy’s mother intercepted before the adjustment could be made. “Before you adjust it, I just want to have a quick go. I used to have one of these when I was a kid and I knew all the tricks,” she quite smugly admitted. So, she swung her leg over the seat, took off down the dirt driveway doing snakeys as she pedalled. “Watch this!” she yelled out, “I’ll pop a mono!” No sooner had the words escaped her mouth than she over corrected the handlebars and flipped herself off the bike and into the loose dirt. A bruised bum cheek accompanied by a strained shoulder and the incident was never to be spoken of again. 

The number of stories I have been told about parental accidents have not really come as much of a surprise to me. I have dozens of them myself, like my husband hurting his elbow at the skatepark when he tried to show our kids not to be afraid of the bowl or the time my own father tried to teach my brothers how to do a handstand against the door and went straight through it resulting in a broken rib and very sore head!

Will parents ever learn? Let’s hope not because now with iPhones we have the benefit of being able to watch them over and over again, and possibly upload the clips to YouTube and become famous…